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From tamsun!cs.utexas.edu!sdd.hp.com!news.cs.indiana.edu!umn.edu!doug.cae.wisc.edu!descarte!mitra Fri Feb 7 13:40:48 CST 1992
Article: 16301 of rec.humor
Path: tamsun!cs.utexas.edu!sdd.hp.com!news.cs.indiana.edu!umn.edu!doug.cae.wisc.edu!descarte!mitra
From: mitra@descarte.ece.wisc.edu (Hirak Mitra)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Bill Clinton
Message-ID: <1992Feb2.204845.25892@doug.cae.wisc.edu>
Date: 3 Feb 92 02:48:44 GMT
Organization: Univ. of Wisconsin-Madison; Electrical & Computer Engineering
Lines: 82
Bill Clinton, Governor of Arkansas, Democratic Party presidential nominee
and all-around bon vivant, seems to have stood the American Media Machine
upon its head. One Gennifer Flowers, upon being offered money by a cheap
tabloid to say such a thing, has claimed to have an extra-marital affair
with him. Guvner Bill, while coming flat out and calling Gennifer Flowers
a liar on this score, has refused to answer the following question posed by
the Media: "Have you ever had an extramarital affair?"
Bill and Hillary (his wife and most ardent supporter) Clintons' stance on
this matter is basically that they will not answer such a question - it's
really nobody's business but theirs. Such an answer, of course, is Not
Acceptable to the American Public and Media. And, as a result, the Media
Machine is looking high and low, for even a trace of some naughty business
on Guvner Bill's part. The fact that it seems completely unable to achieve
this, merely makes its behavior seem antic, frantic and spastic to the
eye of the casual observer.
Consider the pain of the Media Machine - it had hoped to project an image
of Guvner Bill's lover/S&M-woman/sex-slave/leather-fag to every American
household. Instead, it's caught with *its* pants down, flailing madly,
unable to prove the point one way or the other, and now no longer able to
back down from the fight. That's not right. Guvner Bill's obviously a
very mean person to put the Media Machine through this kind of abuse.
But who can save the day?
Enter the CIA. Now, these guys are widely considered to be a bunch of
Arschputzes (pardon my French). But really, they have the best interest
of America in mind - they say so, so it must be true. Unfortunately, their
methods abroad seem incapable of achieving anything except scandals that
are so ridiculous, presidents must distance themselves from them by claiming
to have been asleep at the time ... less Machiavelli than Bozo the Clown.
Some people who actually supported the CIA all these years, did so because
they felt them necessary as part of the Cold War. But today ... the Cold
War no longer exists. Oops. Today, the CIA basically seem like a bunch of
bureaucrats who should be booted out on their asses, as an example that
Government is willing to do something about Governmental waste in these
economically troubled times.
Before we know it, people will start to argue that the CIA has no useful
role any longer ... and even call for its disbandment, as part of the
Peace Dividend. Before this happens, the CIA must somehow prove its
usefulness in these non-domino-theory times. And they can do so by solving
the Problem of Bill Clinton!
Consider that the CIA are the nation's pastmasters at information techniques
that are 60% legal, such bugging people's houses, harassing them, aliening
them from the general population via careful propaganda campaigns, et cetera.
My suggestions are simple ones.
(1) Have the CIA bug Guvner Bill. They should bug his house, his car, his
office, his pool, his doghouse, and everywhere else he might go. That way,
he wouldn't even be able to breathe without them knowing about it. If he
slips up, even once, they'll stick to him like Krazy-Glue(tm) to plastic.
This buggery must, of course, continue for a few months, years even, to
give him time to hang himself.
(2) Alienate everyone around him by spreading vicious rumors, er ...
propaganda about him. That way, any weaknesses he has, real or conjured,
will come to the surface.
(3) If the above steps don't work, then something more drastic is in order.
The CIA can implant subliminal radios in Bill Clinton's bedroom, and attempt
to hypnotize them while he and his wife are asleep. Then, they can be
forced to reveal their secrets. Who knows - the CIA could even get Gennifer
Flowers to talk to Bill while he's asleep. I'm sure she could say something
to make him respond in a positive manner! It would be *therapy*!
You say that these are desperate, crazed steps? I beg to differ. Consider:
(1) This is the sort of thing the CIA does anyway. (2) The CIA could at
last prove that it can do *something* right (unless of course it screws this
up as well, then all bets are off...). (3) The American Public and Media
would be all for it. This society values the entertainment of the public
above the privacy of the individual. I think this is in the Constitution
or something ... isn't it?
I look forward to the CIA taking these steps.
hirak :-D
Tu me suis.